dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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