I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
