I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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