I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
I need moral support for this bender
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Randomize
