i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Randomize
