my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
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