I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Randomize
