Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
Randomize
