It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
How high do u want to get? Just kind of high or yelling at swans high...
Swans
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
