Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
