Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
