when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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