like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
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