She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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