Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
