YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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