so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
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