I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
