and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
