Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
