Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Randomize
