I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Randomize
