That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
