My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Randomize
