1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
