I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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