The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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