lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
