can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
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