i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
