Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
