I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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