In the future we'll all be gay
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
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