I am spending my child support on dildos
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Randomize
