apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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