Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Randomize
