if you like me you must not know who I am
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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