insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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