My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
My balls are so social today.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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