Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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