you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
