He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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