Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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