just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Randomize
