she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
