YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
two words...techno handjob
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
