I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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