I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Its been 4 years since I have masturbated this hard. God bless the Olympics!
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I have tasted many bathrooms
Randomize
