Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
So drunk its hurt
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
