I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
